To Live...

There is a fine line between love and hate, pain and pleasure. My life cross's each of those lines, but to the very extreme. My life story has been called gruesome, riveting, exciting, sorrowful and tragic. I want to be able to add to that description; beautiful, inspirational and worth living. That is going to be a hard task considering the way I started out my life, and now the way I'm ending it. My mother was a hard core drug user that exposed my brothers and me to unspeakable tortures, famine, physical abuse, sexual abuse and mental anguish. Each day life brought things to us that most only see in their worst nightmares. I had become proud of the fact that I picked myself up, and moved on. Considering what I came from, I accomplished a lot. I got a business degree when I turned eighteen. I bought a home, married and had children. Once I began my life as an adult, life threw something else at me. After the birth of my fourth child, it became very clear why I had continually been sick for most of my life. We always say we'd like to know what it is that is causing so much pain and illness. If we just knew, then maybe we can fix it. What happens when you finally find out, and realize there is no fixing it? That each day is going to be worst than the last, and there is nothing anyone can do. I got divorced, lost my children, my home and every ounce of hope I had in me. I did things that I normally never would have done, because finally I had given up. Through out my entire life I always kept the hope that it's going to get better. Finally I've realized that it's not going to get better. It's only going to get worse. With all that in mind, I wake up every day and search for a cure. A cure for the emptiness that has filled my heart, a cure for the diseases that has taken my life, and a cure for the torment that scratches at my soul. I hope in reading my book you'll see how drugs can drastically affect our lives; that abuse is never ok and it's always better to have loved and lost, than not to love at all...