Humor

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." - Mark Twain I'm at a New Year's party with a bunch of friends, most married. Midnight is approaching, and I'm holding the tallest Bombay Sapphire and tonic I can find, because I haven't found Miss Next. A married friend remarks. "Dude, who are you going to kiss at midnight?" "No idea." "Why don't you mingle and find someone?" "Maybe I don't see anyone I'd like to kiss." "Hey, beggars can't be choosers." "Neither can married men." "But..." "Careful, lad. You don't want to confess infidelity to a writer." "I'm not. I'm just saying, if I wanted to kiss another woman, I could." "Right, and you might be caught and forced to pay the consequences, which would be more significant than mine." "So, you like being alone because it's safer." "Single. I like being single, because it offers nearly limitless opportunities." "What about the sex?" "Really? You want to go there? How long have you been married?" "Never mind. Enjoy your drink, nice guy." I am nice-to a fault. Then, after being poked enough times, I stray into naughty land. Although I know it's what many women prefer, I can't seem to transform myself into a bad boy. I witness bad boys treating women badly. Often, these women complain to me about it. Then, I watch them walk away from me, and swoon back into the beast's arms. Insanity, if you ask me. This is what makes me fall from niceness. Women constantly saying they want one thing, while selecting the other. Women don't want to fuck nice guys. Women want bad boys to fuck them. There's only one way to describe it: Nice Guy FAIL.

These funny short stories will keep you laughing. This book is a collection of my favorite humor from around the world.

Conversations with Pop is a series of flash fiction stories between a father and his son as they discuss Pop's unique take on life while he imparts some of his "wisdom" to his son on everything from reading, driving, social networking, technology, and the way things used to be.

This book is a compilation of articles Charles wrote for the local newspaper over the course of 20 years or so and represents his continuous and enthusiastic support of community and family in and around Lizard Lick, North Carolina. He is nearing 90 and can still make us laugh.

This fun and short book offers 101 acceptable moments when it's probably okay to tell a lie.Can you think of another acceptable moment not given in this book? Share it using #WhenItsOkay. Simply post a picture of the book cover on your favorite social media platform, include #WhenItsOkay, and tell us your acceptable moment.By utilizing the hashtag for this series, you can find other interesting insights and stories given by people who are free and independent...or selectively apathetic.Don't hold back! Tell us your own unique acceptable moment. You just might help someone out or make someone's day.**************************Don't forget to check out our mindfulness guides on Amazon - Look for author page Harper Daniels or search for one of our guides listed below. You can also link to them through 30DaysNow.com, @30daysnow.Our fun, simple, and effective mindfulness guides for personal and professional growth are: 30 Days to Stop Giving a Shit30 Days to Overcome a Shitty Job30 Days to Stop Apologizing30 Days to Reduce Depression30 Days to Reduce Anxiety30 Days to Overcome FOMO30 Days to Overcome Guilt30 Days to Overcome Shame30 Days to Overcome Regret30 Days to Stop Being an Asshole30 Days to Overcome Loneliness30 Days to Reduce Stress30 Days to Overcome a Toxic Relationship30 Days to Overcome Fear of Failure30 Days to Overcome Fear of Rejection30 Days to Stop Being a Shopaholic30 Days to Stop Being a Shitty Boss30 Days to Overcome Procrastination...and many more via Amazon...Please don't forget to leave a review...and your own unique "when it's okay to lie" moment.

If you're looking for cleaner jokes and funny cleaners jokes you've certainly come to the right place.Do enjoy these cleaning puns and gags, and although some of them are old, but some of them are new, and while we don't want to hammer the point too much, we think you will enjoy these sparkling jokes. We hope you enjoy our bumper collection of the very best cleaners jokes and stories.

"Our laughter makes our world a happier place!" This lighthearted look at health and humor takes a look at real life absurdities for seniors using the author's ethnically diverse cartoons and real life experiences. Its purpose is to help those over 55 rediscover joy and fun in life. Humor is a way to cope with hope and survive feeling that this magnificent gift of life is worth the trip. And it is. One should never miss a day thanking God for breath and the ability to smile and laugh.

The Best Ever Book of Corrections Officer Jokes; Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who If you've ever heard a Jewish, Italian, Irish, Libyan, Catholic, Mexican, Polish, Norwegian, or an Essex Girl, Newfie, Mother-in-Law, or joke aimed at a minority, this book of Corrections Officer jokes is for you. In this not-so-original book, The Best Ever Book of Corrections Officer Jokes; Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who, Mark Young takes a whole lot of tired, worn out jokes and makes them funny again. The Best Ever Book of Corrections Officer Jokes is so unoriginal, it's original. And, if you don't burst out laughing from at least one Corrections Officer joke in this book, there's something wrong with you. This book has so many Corrections Officer jokes, you won't know where to start. For example: Why do Corrections Officers wear slip-on shoes? You need an IQ of at least 4 to tie a shoelace. *** An evil genie captured a Corrections Officer and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing. The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst. The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off. The Corrections Officer brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window! *** Did you hear about the Corrections Officer who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats." *** Why do Corrections Officers laugh three times when they hear a joke? Once when it is told, once when it is explained to them, and once when they understand it. ***

Bread of Heaven is a story about extraordinary things happening to ordinary people. It is also about ordinary things happening to extraordinary people. If that sounds contradictory, it isn't. The main thing we have in common is our individual uniqueness. In this respect, we are all fundamentally the same. Jake and Lauren work together, study together, and have so little in common that they are clearly 'meant' to be more than friends. The main obstacles to them forming a romantic relationship are their different passions in life. Lauren is a committed Christian. Jake is a born again Chelsea supporter. It seems a hopeless case; that is, until one day they find themselves transported to a parallel universe, where religion is the national sport and football is the national religion.

This scarce antiquarian book is a facsimile reprint of the original. Due to its age, it may contain imperfections such as marks, notations, marginalia and flawed pages. Because we believe this work is culturally important, we have made it available as part of our commitment for protecting, preserving, and promoting the world's literature in affordable, high quality, modern editions that are true to the original work.

"Totally Books" is another book in this epic collection of alphabet books, it makes number twenty, which means there are only six left to get through before you can buy my longest and biggest book to date, the complete collection of "Twenty-six Altogether"...

Will Date 4 Food is a fun-filled guide for single girls with an appetite and for women who have a history of supporting their starving artist boyfriends or deadbeat husbands. This is not a book about how to manipulate men, it's a self -help book to help women learn to love their fellow man and stop picking up the check.

This scarce antiquarian book is a facsimile reprint of the original. Due to its age, it may contain imperfections such as marks, notations, marginalia and flawed pages. Because we believe this work is culturally important, we have made it available as part of our commitment for protecting, preserving, and promoting the world's literature in affordable, high quality, modern editions that are true to the original work.

All aboard, all aboard!Get your tickets, if you dare, for a hysterical voyage of mirth and merriment aboard the Titanic Book of One Liners, awash with a calamitous cargo of hundreds of rib-tickling original jokes and puns, sprinkled with the odd smattering of age-old classics.Guaranteed to go down a treat, you'll discover oceans of good, clean fun, ammunition aplenty to deliver an endless barrage of hilarious broadsides upon unsuspecting family and friends. Victims will be at sea, steaming for port, desperately trying to fathom the source of the onslaught, blissfully unaware it's merely the calm before the storm. And all you'll need to do to continue the punishment is sit back, relax, and slowly turn the page... Thar she blows, shipmates; how can you possibly go wrong with jokes like these...I went to see a comedian called Humpty Dumpty. Honestly, he was so off the wall.I went to bed Sunday night and woke next morning to find myself surrounded by dozens of cartoon bears, singing The Bare Necessities. It was a bad case of Monday morning Baloo's.Egg and a sausage in a frying pan. Egg says: Warm in here, innit? Sausage says: I didn't know eggs could talk!I phoned the police after a lorry shed its load of cutlery outside our house. Asked where exactly, I said, turn left at the fork in the road... This bloke tried to sell me a mountain for £10,000. I told him it was a bit steep.I went to the surgery, complaining of double vision. Doctor Hourihane and Doctor Hourihane couldn't have been more understanding.I went to the chemist and that woman was in again, the one who used to work at McDonalds. I said, a box of laxatives, please. She said, to go? I said, what do you think...?So I said, who had a number one hit with Tiger Feet? Mud! came the reply. I said, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right...I keep thinking I'm an ostrich. I know I'm going to have to face up to my problem sooner or later. I can't keep burying my head in the sand.Muhammad Ali figurine for sale. £50 ono. Not boxed.

An innovative idea book and an instructional comedy guideline that takes a look at the techniques used in creating jokes. And more! With over fifty basic techniques to use in order to become a more comedic individual, plus. several thought provoking components that delve into the realm of comedy mind-sets. And that explore the thought processes involved in creating humor. How To Be Wackier II is a step up from being merely funny or witty. With an emphasis on helping individuals become outstanding.

I stood in the centre of the room. Transfixed with all the surrounding paraphernalia and toys at my disposal. A surge of excitement was coursing through my veins faster than cocaine travels up a celebrity's £50 note.Through the floor to ceiling windows, I could see the reflection of the bright, July summer sun, glistening off the roof of my Range Rover. Blurred vapours of heat rose from its bonnet, slightly distorting the image of open farmland behind it.I hate the summer. I detest the frivolity and laziness of it. Bring on the autumn. Hurry along and taint the leaves golden brown and decline the temperature. Wash me with cold, stinging, English rain and biting frosts that enliven the nerve endings like a back handed slap from the house prefect.The gun room at Frankie Lottrell's is quite superb, adorned with lashings of walnut, sumptuous leather and polished metals. It could be a Madame's dungeon.Across the back wall I surveyed several items of temptation. All in perfect alignment and pristine. Shotguns, in 50 shades of grey, black and brown, handcrafted and engraved by master craftsmen.But then, I froze. Totally absorbed in the image captured by my eyes. She was an image of total elegance and I was transfixed instantly. Her subtle elegance drew me in like a training collar on a spaniel. I had to have her. Right then, right now and forever.Christ, I hope I have remembered my shotgun certificate.

The Story Girl said that once upon a time. Felix and I, on the May morning when we left Toronto for Prince Edward Island, had not then heard her say it, and, indeed, were but barely aware of the existence of such a person as the Story Girl. We did not know her at all under that name. We knew only that a cousin, Sara Stanley, whose mother, our Aunt Felicity, was dead, was living down on the Island with Uncle Roger and Aunt Olivia King, on a farm adjoining the old King homestead in Carlisle. We supposed we should get acquainted with her when we reached there, and we had an idea, from Aunt Olivia's letters to father, that she would be quite a jolly creature. Further than that we did not think about her. We were more interested in Felicity and Cecily and Dan, who lived on the homestead and would therefore be our roofmates for a season.

THIS POPULAR BLANK GAG BOOK MAKES THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ANNOYING FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO LIKE TO SPOUT POLITICAL VIEWS! Famed social scientist Ira Nee has written a seminal look at the ethical compass of former First Lady, U.S. Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Based on countless interviews and random observations of liberal media experts, this book examines Clinton in a way never before seen. Written succinctly to meet the needs of business leaders and fans everywhere, you'll have a front row-seat into Mrs. Clinton's advice on: -HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE -COMING CLEAN...QUICKLY -STANDING BY YOUR PRINCIPLES -MAINTAING INTEGRITY -HANDLING CRISES -AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

Looking to inject some uproarious humor into your life? Look no further than "The Teachers Joke Book" Have lots of fun and laughter with this hilarious teachers joke book. Teachers of all levels will definitely enjoy this collection of funny jokes for teachers. You will simply be rolling on the floor with laughter with some of the teaching gags.Inside these pages of "The Teachers Joke Book", you'll discover a treasure trove of side-splitting jokes, hilarious riddles, and clever puns carefully curated to bring you joy and laughter. Whether you're a seasoned educator or a new teacher finding your stride, "The Teachers Joke Book" is your ultimate companion.. With its diverse range of age-appropriate content, you will find that these carefully selected jokes are more than just punchlines; This book is a delightful compendium of wit and humor. Inside you will find many quality jokes, many cheesy teaching jokes and many funny teaching stories to make you laugh out loud. This mixture of teachers jokes will prove that teachers do have a good sense of humor. This book is guaranteed to get you laughing, so embrace the power of laughter and transform your teaching journey with "The Teacher's Joke Book." and unlock the secret to making your teaching career unforgettable, one laugh at a time!It will also make a great gift for a teacher, so whether you're buying it for yourself, or for someone else...... Buy it now!

This is a story about a girl who has never stopped believing in her dreams and tried very hard to accomplish them. Did she achieve her goals? Should you want to learn the answer, read this book.

Transitioning from Baby Boomer to Senior Citizen can be difficult, but it doesn't have to be! "Acting My Age" addresses the challenges of growing older, and reminds us that attitude is everything when it comes to having fun as we age.

***CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT. FOR MATURE AUDIENCES WITH VULGAR SENSE OF HUMOR ONLY!*** Get ready to add a dash of spice to your holiday season with "A Very Sweary Christmas"- a raunchy coloring book designed exclusively for adults. Say goodbye to sugar-coated sentiments and hello to festive profanity as you embark on a coloring adventure that's as cheeky as it is cheerful.Inside this jolly yet irreverent coloring book, you'll discover a winter wonderland filled with hilarious illustrations of holiday scenes, quirky characters, and, of course, the occasional naughty elf. Each page is adorned with festive greetings that might make Santa blush, providing the perfect outlet for your grown-up sense of humor.Unleash your creativity and let the stress of the holiday season melt away as you bring these Christmas-themed illustrations to life with your own colorful twist. Whether you're a coloring connoisseur or a holiday humbug in need of a laugh, "A Very Sweary Christmas" is your passport to seasonal serenity, one swear word at a time.This adult coloring book makes for a unique and hilarious gift, adding a touch of merriment to any Christmas celebration. Grab your colored pencils, markers, or crayons, and immerse yourself in the festive fun of "A Very Sweary Christmas." 'Tis the season to color outside the lines, after all! So sit back, relax, and color! ***This book is also available in a color by number edition as well as a 5x8" travel size edition!!! https: //www.amazon.com/dp/1978077467 https: //www.amazon.com/dp/15394756468.5 x 11" single-sided paper means that you can use your favorite art supplies - including pencils, markers, pens, crayons, watercolors and more!2 bonus color test pages allow you to test your coloring mediums and empower you to unleash your creativity and plan your next coloring masterpiece.Enjoy FREE BONUS COLORING PAGES to get a taste of other coloring books you may enjoy.

An uplifting compilation about dogs and all of the reasons that we love them. Not a chronological story, but more of a witty book of canine observations. Do you ever feel a bit awkward due to the stunts that your dog has pulled? Do you ever feel as if you are the only one whose lovable dog embarrasses them at not-so-convenient times? How about those tender and wonderfully sweet moments that you so badly want to brag about, but are afraid others may not understand? If so, you're not alone! All of us dog-lovers can easily relate to the everyday occurrences when it comes to our furry friends because our dog does that too!

Smiles Across the Miles, a book to amuse and delight the reader, with a range of stories.

Dies Ding ist wirklich schwer zu lesen und zu verstehen. Zum Lachen sind es 592 Seiten, aber zum Verstehen benötigst du einen Intelligenzquotienten von mindestens 106,7. Falls du den nicht besitzt (oder Grünwähler bist), einfach ungelesen zurückgeben. Könnte klappen (lol).

Gulliver's Travels, or Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World. In Four Parts. By Lemuel Gulliver, First a Surgeon, and then a Captain of Several Ships, (which is the full title), is a prose satire by Irish writer and clergyman Jonathan Swift, that is both a satire on human nature and the "travellers' tales" literary subgenre. It is Swift's best known full-length work, and a classic of English literature. He himself claimed that he wrote Gulliver's Travels "to vex the world rather than divert it". The book became popular as soon as it was published. John Gay wrote in a 1726 letter to Swift that "It is universally read, from the cabinet council to the nursery."

Need a quick pick-me-up to put a smile on your face? This engaging and hilarious collection of clever bite-sized delights will do the trick.Always on the lookout for a chuckle? Enjoy that aha moment in clever humor? Planning ahead for the next time you need a trusty bathroom reader? Humorist R. Scott Murphy has honed his zingers and tongue-in-cheek observations of life as a writer for David Letterman's Late Show, as a radio DJ, and as a TV host. And now he's here to share his best-loved bits from across the years in a quick and snappy set of reads guaranteed to turn your frowns upside down.Mining all aspects of his rich personal experience as a beleaguered father, Cub Scout laggie, and humble everyman who stubbornly dances to the beat of his own drum, Murphy wittily taps into our shared truths. And from matching mac-and-cheese boxes with popular song titles in the grocery store to dramatically depicting the deflation of small-town egos, he burnishes the bland until even the most mundane moment will tickle your funny bone.If you've ever enjoyed a wry grin while musing on your own ups and downs, this charming and zany break from the grind promises to light up your day.Fun Stories Greatest Hits is a delightful compilation of 80+ slice-of-life anecdotes and end-of-chapter puns and jokes. If you like carefree chuckles, cringeworthy dad jokes, and off-the-wall reflections, then you'll love R. Scott Murphy's quirky compendium.Buy Fun Stories Greatest Hits for a goofy guffaw today!

This scarce antiquarian book is a facsimile reprint of the original. Due to its age, it may contain imperfections such as marks, notations, marginalia and flawed pages. Because we believe this work is culturally important, we have made it available as part of our commitment for protecting, preserving, and promoting the world's literature in affordable, high quality, modern editions that are true to the original work.

How To Stop A Dog Barking - Methods to Stop Your Dog's Excessive Barking! It's completely natural for dogs to bark, and it's one of their most essential forms of communication after energy and body language. Dogs will bark as a warning, to guard their pack and territory. They'll also bark to express excitement. Those forms of barking are hardly ever a nuisance and don't last for very long. That's the reason why nuisance barking generally has the same cause and the same solution. When a dog barks too much, it's almost always telling you that he's bored and is searching for stimulation or a challenge. Unavoidably, excessive barking signifies there's a problem with the human, and not the dog; there's something not balanced in the pack, so the dog's needs are not being satisfied. The barking is the sole method the dog has to inform you something is wrong. This eBook will try to help you, dog owners, to figure out why your dog is barking excessively and what you can do to handle the situation.