Covert Manipulation

We all engage in manipulation from time to time. When your boss asks you what you thought of his or her terrible presentation and you render lavish praise, you're concealing your real feelings in an attempt to elicit the reaction you want from someone in power. But in close interpersonal relationships, manipulation can take on a much darker hue, leaving its targets never quite knowing where they stand.
The very nature of manipulation makes it challenging to know when you're being manipulated. Manipulators attempt to conceal their motives and feelings, and their targets-who often struggle to sustain an honest, open, and manipulation-free relationship-may have to do some detective work to determine whether they're being played.
If you're concerned that you're being manipulated, examine the tactics the other person is using. If you find yourself caught up in a web of deception and unclear motives, it could be manipulation.
Some common tactics manipulators use include lying, withholding information, denying feelings, playing the victim, blaming the victim, minimizing others' feelings, pretending to be confused or ignorant, guilt, shame, and pretending that his or her tactics are intended to serve a higher calling such as God or a political cause. Manipulators also frequently use gaslighting-the process of provoking someone into an extreme or angry reaction, then blaming the other person for his or her reaction.
While anyone can be manipulated, expert manipulators tend to target people with and take advantage of certain personality traits. These traits include:
The desire to be liked or to please; these people are more likely to take extraordinary measures to gain favor
Low self-esteem
Dependency; people who tend to be dependent upon others will be more easily swayed by threats to withdraw love or support
Naiveté or ignorance
Loneliness
Impulsivity, greed, and materialism
Low assertiveness
Fear of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions-either in oneself or from the manipulator
Many of us are highly aware when we're being manipulated, but are still left unsure of what to do. Because manipulators often play the victim, some victims of manipulation might excuse their behavior or insist that the manipulator doesn't really know what he or she is doing.
Manipulators thrive on hiding their motives, so it can be challenging to get them to admit their true intentions, and many people will refuse to do so even under pressure.
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